I think the kind of fear I experience at even the thought of speaking out against “patriarchal” oppression goes beyond even the fear people experience when living under censorship. I’ve known several people – females, actually – from China, and they speak of the Communists’ censorship with tired scorn. I never sensed fear when they talked about it, except a relatively superficial fear regarding their professional or academic lives. It was not the kind of fear induced by, say, living in an ending campaign of terrorism, constantly surrounded by both the terrorists and their little self-betraying, female-betraying minions.
This last is what I experience. What I have experienced since young girlhood. I know the level of my fear reflects PTSD, with which I’ve been diagnosed. I have multiple traumas in my life, the worst physical ones occurring in childhood, before the age of 23. So many girls, as well as women, experience similar traumas which affect them for life, that I believe that what’s going on here is effectively an ongoing terrorist campaign. And unlike most groups threatened by terrorists, the terrorists are not “over there,” across an ocean, with mere cells operating “somewhere” among us. No. They are almost everywhere, and they send their little minions in, too, so that many females lose the hope of even finding support, camaraderie, a “safe space,” even among other females. The extent of the policing of females by other females today (I’ve even seen this among actual girls) is amazing. And as if all that’s not enough, now the terrorists themselves actually demand, with self-righteous, outraged cries of “discrimination,” to come into our fucking bathrooms.
The perversion of these creatures seems to plummet perpetually to ever lower depths, defying the limits of human comprehension. I know I’ve experienced this mind- and soul-boggling every time I’ve heard the gory details of violent porn, child porn, female infanticide, or some other new satanic violence against girls or women. It seems like the whole point, even the primary end, of this war is simply the rape and murder of females – ALL females – body, mind, heart, and soul. The order of this “conquest” varies widely from one case to another, but I don’t have the stomach to talk about that today. Their homosocial world – or something else, I don’t know – seems to have made them all gay. I’ve read (wish I could remember where, but I’ve been inhaling so many feminist writing recently) that even during sex with females, they are “performing for an audience of other guys, more concerned with the guys than with the female, much less with any connection to the female.” This is a paraphrase, but it captures the gist. I’ve suspected this for a long time. Even when I was in my early twenties, I realized that gang-rape is a form of “male-bonding.” Certainly, undeniably, the degradation of females is.
I’m normally so eloquent, on so many other topics, but this war on females (it is NOT limited to “women” – I wish people would stop saying this! It masks the true depths of the depravity and evil we’re dealing with) is so horrific, so enraging, so re-traumatizing. I find myself usually getting so bitter, vitriolic, almost incoherent. (I know these reactions are natural and well-deserved, probably healthy despite all the bilge about “forgiveness” – if forgiveness healed, women wouldn’t be so fucking unhealthy, since most of us break themselves into pieces trying to live up to this yet more soul-warping demand. But getting overwhelmed and lost in these emotions seems to interfere with my ability to express myself.) And I hate that I should be less eloquent in this, when this cause is perhaps the most important to me. Certainly, it’s affected me far more than any other cause I support.
I’m also still struggling with fears of “falling” into the “sins” that the terrorists and their minions charge females with: being “emotional” (as opposed to sociopathically unempathetic like them), etc. Honestly, I think so many of these terrorists fit the criteria for sociopathy when it comes to females. They literally have more empathy for animals, for inanimate objects, for perfect (non-female) strangers of races they hate (even if they pretend not to), than for their own daughters, sisters, mothers, the mothers of their children. And as a non-white woman who knows first-hand how racist America still is, I find it – horrific – that more answered a poll saying that the country was ready for a black president than a female president. In other words, females are hated more than anyone or anything. And “Bernie” is now a candidate for president despite what he’s known to have written about rape. This is really too much for me.I’ve even looked at emigrating to Iceland. haha…not. 
I know I’m strong, and brave – I wouldn’t have survived this long otherwise – and that I have a duty to do what’s right, to fight. But I’m human, and I also need support and affirmation. I’m so glad I’m starting to connect with like-minded people, but that effort is still in its beginning stages, and so far, the fruits are minimal, tenuous. I’ve never been the loner type, but I’ve always been isolated. That’s especially difficult for someone who’s naturally expressive and affective. I thrive on social connection and support, and it’s always been denied outright, or poisoned, or marked with the price of my self-respect and soul, which I am not willing to pay. Which I know I simply cannot pay, even when I’ve tried to suppress my spirit. I can’t do it – it comes roaring and flaming out no matter what. I know I should be proud of that, and I am. I’ve even had numerous people, including many women who are brainwashed, tell me the same thing.
But things have got to change…and I think they are changing. I think the changes are coming – as I’ve long suspected they can only come – by my coming out of the dark. Speaking up. Lifting up my torch and voice to let others like me know I’m here. I exist, and I’m not brainwashed, or bought, or broken. I notice, I care, and I haven’t turned traitor. I think what I’d like most is to join my fire to a greater one. To help sustain it and to be sustained by it, to sustain life for both – and to help bring to fruition the Life and truth that both are burning to sustain and actualize.
mysecrettorch 